What I’m thinking in my car
I got upset tonight. I stopped being able to handle things. So I ton the car to get groceries we needed for dinner. Only, I got in the store and couldn’t. So I left and got in my car and parked it in our neighborhood park. Some place I know is safe and regularly patrolled by our police department.
As I sat and scrolled through Facebook, the story of the two recently murdered children passed by. And I knew I couldn’t read them. I’ve been hearing about it for a couple of days. And I can’t think about it.
You see, I’m overly stressed right now. Every day something is happening to add to it. Sure my kids are autistic, but it’s not their autism that’s the problem. It’s that the world is fucking up. And every day is a battle. Not against autism, but with a system that can’t stop fucking up. They’re not big problems either. They’re small problems that have a huge impact.
They impact my kids. They then impact me. I impact my husband and friends. And while everyone wants to help, it just never ends. And while I know this is being a parent, I’m struggling to find the energy to keep fighting. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m on negative energy before I wake up in the morning.
Even when I take a break, I come home and it hits me harder. Because relaxed state is even less able to handle because I have to shift my perception.
And let’s not forget that I can’t be there for my friends. I don’t seem to have the heart to say “I can’t right now. I have too much on my plate to deal with yours.” (Don’t feel guilty, please. That will deplete even more of my energy.)
And so I sit here. Because I know going home means picking back up where we left off. Left off in our discussion of what to do next. Left off on what has to happen tomorrow. And then I have to have the energy tomorrow for whatever is thrown at me. I’m hoping nothing is.