Unbelievable Sadness

Trigger warning: Loss of life

I hope you all never have to feel this. And please don’t consider me brave for writing it. I’m trying to heal and be strong, but allow myself to know my thoughts and feelings. I’m sure it will take me a few dayshours to write all I want out.

Earlier this week, Sunday night, I had my first sign. It wasn’t much, but I immediately called the doctor at 11 pm. She obviously didn’t want to alarm me. I was already shaken.

I went into the office first thing on Monday morning. Some things didn’t look right, but it didn’t look bad. Or at least that was the impression I left with. I came home and continued bed rest that was prescribed Sunday night. We had scheduled a sonogram for the next day. We’d be able to see what was going on.

We arrived early for the appointment on Tuesday so walked in Target. I knew the feeling I was having was wrong, but ignored it as we walked around. I shouldn’t have ignored it, our maybe it was good that I did. I’m not sure yet.

We arrived for the sonogram and they took me in. They couldn’t see a baby, but I was measuring earlier than the 11 weeks I was. I had to empty my bladder before an external exam. I saw what I had ignored while walking around the store less than an hour before. It was real then for me… What was happening.. I stayed calm until I was back in the exam room.

The sonogram showed that there was just an empty sac inside. They tell us that they need to run another blood test.. and that they will most likely have to do a D&C to take the sac out. They said “Sometimes, the baby just doesn’t ever grow.” They just don’t know why. My body still thinks I’m pregnant. It’s been acting like it is for the past 6 weeks according to the sonogram.

This morning, when I began writing this, I was incredibly mad at my body. Why am I still experiencing morning sickness? Why do I have no cramping? Why have all signs that this is happening stopped? My body is refusing to match up to what’s going on.

So far, I haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office on my blood results. They say it will tell us more information. Then we will know when I can go in for the D&C. Meanwhile, I’m at home, sad, upset, and sometimes ‘blank’, without emotion. During those blank moments, I tell people important things. Things about what’s going on. Things that need to be done in my absence. Sometimes, just trying to respond to random things to keep going. I’m sure some people think it’s strange that I’m responding or disagreeing with something they say on some random post on Facebook. But it’s part of healing. It’s part of keeping myself together. Just like forcing myself to leave the house, or eat despite not being hungry.

The hardest part of all of this was telling the boys. Stephen didn’t really get it. He’s been having a hard time understanding that there was going to be a new baby. Daniel, on the other hand, said “The baby is dead?” when we explained that the baby wasn’t coming. He instantly understood. And cried. And cried. And when we told him it was ok to be sad, he decided to get mad and say “Why did he do that?” Asking us why the baby decided not to form. We didn’t know. There’s no way we will ever know. But we know when. And we know what will happen next, for the most part. And we are sad, and upset, and sometimes blank, and still sometimes nauseous.

I have had all my meals to this point. And I’ve slept, and napped, and woken up to an alarm. And I will continue to do those things, even if I’m not hungry or tired. And I will approach people when I need help, or support, or understanding. And the weeks will go by, and we will slowly get over this. It is not bad to let it take it’s time. And it’s ok to cry, and I will continue to tell myself that when I do cry. I will eventually come up with something to respond when people say they’re sorry.. and I will eventually not cry when people show sympathy, or ask how I am, or those sorts of things. But for now, it’s ok to get upset, and have the tears well up in my eyes and let them fall down my face.

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