This is an emotional subject for me. I don’t typically like to think about it as it hurts. In my nearly 28 yrs living, or the 10 years since graduating from high school. I have gone to a community college, a university, and worked a total of 4 jobs. The community college I was at for 3 semesters. The university, 5 semesters, which ended in me dropping out because my anxiety issues became too great. 3 of the 4 jobs lasted no longer than 3 months. Not from my lack of trying, but because the anxiety I experienced from them finally crashed down on me.

After I had my 6 yr old, I finally decided to stop trying to work, so I could devote my time and energy to him. I know it might sound cruel to the outside person, but I’m thankful for their Autism. I have been able to stay at home with them and really nurture them without anyone batting an eye, even as they became school age. I think this is one of the biggest reasons everyone compliments us that we have such happy kids.

This next school year, they will both be at school full time. While other stay at home moms talk about going back to work, finishing their degrees, or some even furthering education, I have felt this weight about the fact that I can’t really do any of these. I’ve spoken about going back to college, but with some recent increases in stress, I’ve realized I can’t handle that. The same can be said about rejoining the work force. That’s without looking at the fact I have no real work experience.

I’m very happy with the progress I have made with regards to this website, the new ASAN chapter I’ve started, and in general promoting the Neurodiversity message. In the coming months, I’ll be unveiling other work that I am doing within the ASAN organization. I work hard at all of this and somehow, I can handle it. One friend of mine suggests it’s because I have passion for it and it’s all telecommuting.

To put it simply, when I need a break, I can take one. I need breaks much more often than the normal person. I’m lucky to have a very understanding husband. He reminds me that people without my issues can’t hold jobs. That I’m still contributing to our household even if it’s not financially. I’m grateful for this. It still leaves me wishing that I could find a real job that could be as understanding.

Again, taking a page from my personal life. I have, often in life, questioned what it means to “love.” I think it’s very possible to love someone and be on “the spectrum.” I think we all can find a love, whether an object, a person or a ______. And most likely, we will all find at least one love in our life time.

But this week, my husband and I have been talking, and I have been thinking. I doubted whether I loved him, or anyone. I doubted whether or not I knew what love is. But tonight I came to a revelation. I DO love him, though, not in the way I think love should be felt.

I have several “loves.” I happen to really love math. and art. and music. and weather patterns. and movies. and programming. You get the point. Where I seem to have the problem is not that I don’t love the people around me, but that I don’t perversate or obsess over them.

I have in the past had relationships that I did perversate over the person and am quite happy that is not the case with my husband. So when we say we don’t know how to love, I think I, at least, and perhaps even you, should rephrase. I do love others, I just don’t understand that love as well as my obsessions.