The reasons for this were many:

1. My grandmothers both made me baker’s helper from the time I could walk.
2. My mother always shoo’ed me out of the kitchen while cooking.
3. My mother was terrified of us kids even making a sandwich with a butter knife.
4. My mother’s OCD tendencies did not allow for us to leave a crumb in sight.  (Funny, I married her male counterpart, huh?)
5. I could not possibly conceive of having more than one thing “going” at a time.  It seemed like utter chaos to me.

I should mention that the chaos thing follows me.  I have the Chaos Arrows tattooed on my right arm.  It is ever-present in my life.  I can NOT function in chaos.  I shut down.  I need order, but I have a hard time keeping order.  The minute I get a hint of things (house, work, kids) getting out of order, instead of fixing it, I shut down and then it becomes a mountain.

But enough about all that…That’s just background.  Here’s what I REALLY wanted to talk about.

What Do You Do When Your AS Munchkins Start Cooking – Unsupervised?

About 18 months ago I started cooking.  The kids were coming to Germany.  I got re-married.  I wanted to take care of everyone.  Turns out, I’m kinda good at it.  I treat it like a puzzle.  I LOVE puzzles.

So does Max.  Max and I are very much alike in many ways.  The whole order/chaos thing.  Well, there are a lot of parallels…

From the time he was born, Max was always very deliberate.  When he was 2 & Madison was 3 1/2 we went to the swimming pool at our hotel.  I would not let go of Madison, but Max didn’t worry me.  He watched every step and I knew he wouldn’t accidentally fall in.  Madison, on the other hand, would watch everywhere BUT where he was going.  (He still does!)

Max has started cooking.  He’s a regular Egg-Aficionado!  He’s woken me up to a plate full of delicious eggs.  I’ve asked him not to cook while Mommy isn’t there to watch, but tonight I realized he’s still been doing it.

I went to get eggs for the dinner I was making and we were out.

I am completely overcome with pride and absolute fear at the same time.  Pride because he loves doing it and feels good about it.  Absolute fear because if something went wrong – Max would shut down.  Just like when the TV comes on too loud on a static channel.  Suddenly, he can’t find the remote.  He can only clamp his hands over his ears and rock.

I want to foster EVERY SINGLE THING he is good at.  I don’t want him to get hurt.

Is my own need for control stifling him?  Or am I just being a cautious parent?  Thoughts?  Ideas?  Compromises?

*NOTE: I realized halfway through that I had neglected to state the ages of my kids.  Morgan is 14, Madison is 13 and Max is 11.

1. ‘All children are different.’
   • This one seems pretty self explanatory. But in my case, my son seems to be different than ALL children.
2. Peer pressure is not always a bad thing.
   • We’ve discovered that my youngest will go potty at school, but not at home. So I explored this. What was different? We use the same methods. We have same premise of First-Then. Then it dawned on me when his SLP from school was here. She said he realized he got to go back to centers faster if he just pee’d.
   • She also said that they didn’t have anything as eye-catching as Super Mario Kart Wii. It turns out they have something even more so. They have his friends. You can pause a game. You can take a game with you. But friends? They keep going whether or not you’re there.
3. Reinforcement only goes so far.
   • He LOVES the idea of a potty party. He LOVES stickers. He LOVES edible treats. Combining these together and it still doesn’t help him go. Though, I wonder if I had a big gift wrapped box with party hats, stickers and candy just out of reach if that’d work.
   • Tomorrow will be the test on this. I am going to create a sticker chart tonight. In the morning, there will be a ziplock baggie of skittles. He knows we have cupcakes and party supplies waiting, but they will go into a big box. Everything will be right in front of him waiting for him to go pee.
4. You don’t actually WANT to know what everyone else has done to potty train their kids.
   • This ends up being an off-shot thing I’ve learned. Many parents seem to think abuse is the way to go. No wonder some kids don’t train for years. I’ve been told to stick my son in a cold shower. That I should spray him with cold water when he goes poop in his pants. IE torture.
   • I should only buy one pair of underwear. And each time he makes a mess in them, he has to watch the washer and dryer until they’re done. IE seclusion.
   • Some things you just don’t want to know about people. I know that there are abusive parents out there. But these suggestions came from people who in every other area treat their children well! Parents will go so far as to abuse their child to get them trained.
5. ‘Positive Practice’ may be the sure fire way to train.
   • But I will never ever EVER use it again. I’m sorry, but the use of aversives on Autistic or any disabled or non-disabled child should be outlawed. This goes right along with Restraint and Seclusion to me! Apparently, conditioning is not only used for dogs, but for CHILDREN as well. I’m sorry, but there is something wrong with the practice. Why reduce a child to the level of an animal, or sometimes below? They are living human beings with emotions and awareness.
   • What does it say to them when parents and clinicians and professionals of all sort say that everything they do is wrong? No wonder there are some Autistics that believe in no intervention if they were subjected to these methods. No wonder there are people who mentally break and end up in facilities. It is a sad thing, aversives.

As I think about it, I wonder how well this approach would work for ASD parents of NT kids as well. The fundamentals are getting down on the child’s level to get meaningful interaction. I’ve been told that this modality will be difficult for me because I inherently, through my Asperger’s, have a hard time with interaction. While I don’t agree that all people with Asperger’s have this problem, I do know my playskills are quite limited. I never did much typical play as a child.

Could this be a way to help an Autistic adult learn to give the interaction many children crave? I’m not talking about all adults, but those who want to learn, it seems like a viable outlet. I will think on this more, but wanted to put my musings out there.

“Don’t worry about your son, he’s just going at his own pace.”

“He’ll catch up. Boys are just slower than girls.”

“She marches to the beat of her own drum.”

I know I was about both my boys. Turns out all the nay-sayers were right, but in a totally different way, both my boys have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. But that’s not what we’re going to be discussing here today.

My husband and I received some wonderful news. Great news, in fact. Our little boy, S (3), and I are going to be touring typical preschools. This after only half a year in a Special Education, self-contained classroom. By all means, this is means for celebration.

The celebration was bittersweet, though. You see, as I’ve said before, I don’t just have one son; I have two. My D (4) is not quite so lucky. Now, I know I’m not supposed to compare the boys to others, I got over doing that long ago. But it’s not quite so easy to do it when the “other” is his younger brother.

So what can we do? My husband’s fear is that he will unintentionally favor S just because he’s advanced further. It’s normal. It’s like with Grandparents. Sometimes they enjoy the ones they can hold more, or play catch with, or take to a football game. When you can have a conversation with one child, but not the other, and you’re their parent, it’s much more difficult to come to terms with that fact.

I on the other hand fear I will push S aside. That I will start to focus more attention to D because he needs the help. I’m resigned to the truth though. S doesn’t need more help; he needs different help. D, we help to speak more clearly, in 3-4 word sentences. S, we help give and take in conversation.

So what do I suggest for anyone who is struggling with this same dilemma?

1. Know you are human. Yes, you’re going to make mistakes, but guilting yourself into making one isn’t going to do you any good. Keep in mind your fears, but work through them.

2. Keep a list. I try to keep a list in my head of things both my children need help on. Things that they both can work on together as well as the ones that need more one on one attention. If you can keep the list mentally, fine. If not, there’s no harm writing it down.

3. “Count your blessings. Name them one by one.” I’m not sure how many of you have grown up in a church. I did off and on through my life. But the song quoted here is so true. Be thankful and celebrate that your child is succeeding in what (s)he’s doing.

(BTW, Congratulations my dear, S. You have made me one proud mommy.)

All kids need structure, whether or not they are ASD or NT. This is the mantra of this lesson. Before our children can gain structure, we must gain organization in our own lives. Kids may be unpredictable, but we can do things to keep those distractions to a minimum.

1. Keep a daily schedule. While this seems simple, it can be rather difficult, especially as your children get older. I highly recommend using Google Calendar. Reason for Google calendar is that most programs have the option to sync with your Google calendar, including MS Outlook 2007 and Mozilla Sunbird. You can easily set up multiple calendars for each member of your family. As well, Google Calendars can be private or public, be shared with other people, and be edited by only the people you chose.

2. Make a weekly chore chart. This may be difficult for you to get younger children to do, but this will even work for yourself. I keep this as a weekly to leave flexibility in my day, but still helps me get everything done within a week. Specifically, chores such as mopping, laundry and grocery shopping are on the list.

3. Everything has a place. Maintaining an organized environment keeps things predictable. Labels, well-defined locations, and accessibility are all things that should be taken into account. Have a place for everything in your house, include a quiet spot for yourself and each member of your family.

4. Get your family involved. This is the most important step, in my opinion. You want to consider everyone’s needs. Each person should be able to see your daily schedule and weekly chores. Find out which chore each family can do. We all have sensory needs, and some chores are easier for certain members of your family.