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Separate rooms – Separate space

Written in 19-6-2009 by Melody | No Comments

Young woman with laptop studying on bed in dorm room, side view

Before we moved back to Texas, we lived in a 5 room apartment, 2 bedrooms, two open layout rooms that were supposed to be a living room and a dining room and a eat-in kitchen. As with most parents, we kept our room somewhat off bounds to the children. I bring this up because a moment has just occurred in our new home that I don’t think would have worked out so well in the old home.

I have had a long week so really wanted some “me” time. D, my oldest, has been off because his day isn’t as structured as it would be with school. S, my youngest, is himself, but that means attached. So getting me time would not have been possible before. But instead, I am getting time right now to post this.

We have two different living areas, plus bedrooms, plus dining areas here. So while I’m in here relaxing, D is in his bedroom, in his tent, playing his Gameboy SP. Where’s S? In the other living area watching his cartoons. It won’t last for long. Someone will want some more time with someone else. But it is nice to have separate space, in separate rooms, so we can all relax a little.

I must say, this is how I imagine an Autism Independent Living neighborhood would be as well.

The Importance of Advocacy!

Written in 23-5-2009 by Melody | No Comments

Stamp

With our move, I have come to realize one big truth about myself. I must advocate for my children and myself. While I still know people that live in the Dallas area, I am required to open myself up to more than those people. So far, I have been quite lucky with those that I’ve met.

School professionals? They have congratulated me on my knowledge, order and preparation. They like the initiative I’m taking to learn about my children’s education. All around, it has been an excellent experience. They are all quite aware that I have Asperger’s and have concluded that both boys do indeed qualify for an IEP under the diagnosis of Autism.

Rehabilitative professionals? They also have noticed my keen knowledge of the boys. Surprisingly, I have learned that most parents don’t get to know the ins and outs of their children like I have. I’m not sure why, but it comes natural for me to learn every aspect and keep up to date. There was no shock this week when my oldest, now 5, was evaluated at below a 3 year old level, and no shock that my youngest, now 4, was evaluated at about a 3 1/2 year old level. We have come to grips with this and do what we can do push them further. And once again, I have let them know that I have Asperger’s.

I have now come to my roadblock when it comes to success with advocacy. I am now trying to become part of a local mom’s group. Armed with my relatively new diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, I am doing what I can to advocate. I make sure to let people know about Autism Spectrum Disorders. I make them aware that my children are delayed for their age. What I seem to keep forgetting is advocating for myself. So today, I ran into my roadblock from opening my proverbial mouth. On the message board for this group, I chose words unwisely. I upset someone unintentionally. But I took that moment to explain myself when I had the opportunity. I invited the person to read more about social deficits with those Asperger’s people.

I usually don’t upset others, but I do know I make rude comments at times. This is not about making excuses though. This is a time for learning as well. Both from my side, on learning that certain comments are better left unsaid, and from the other side, that sometimes people don’t always intend to be mean.

“Don’t compare your child to others.”

Written in 21-11-2008 by Melody | One Comment

I wonder, how many of us have been told this?

“Don’t worry about your son, he’s just going at his own pace.”

“He’ll catch up. Boys are just slower than girls.”

“She marches to the beat of her own drum.”

I know I was about both my boys. Turns out all the nay-sayers were right, but in a totally different way, both my boys have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. But that’s not what we’re going to be discussing here today.

My husband and I received some wonderful news. Great news, in fact. Our little boy, S (3), and I are going to be touring typical preschools. This after only half a year in a Special Education, self-contained classroom. By all means, this is means for celebration.

The celebration was bittersweet, though. You see, as I’ve said before, I don’t just have one son; I have two. My D (4) is not quite so lucky. Now, I know I’m not supposed to compare the boys to others, I got over doing that long ago. But it’s not quite so easy to do it when the “other” is his younger brother.

So what can we do? My husband’s fear is that he will unintentionally favor S just because he’s advanced further. It’s normal. It’s like with Grandparents. Sometimes they enjoy the ones they can hold more, or play catch with, or take to a football game. When you can have a conversation with one child, but not the other, and you’re their parent, it’s much more difficult to come to terms with that fact.

I on the other hand fear I will push S aside. That I will start to focus more attention to D because he needs the help. I’m resigned to the truth though. S doesn’t need more help; he needs different help. D, we help to speak more clearly, in 3-4 word sentences. S, we help give and take in conversation.

So what do I suggest for anyone who is struggling with this same dilemma?

1. Know you are human. Yes, you’re going to make mistakes, but guilting yourself into making one isn’t going to do you any good. Keep in mind your fears, but work through them.

2. Keep a list. I try to keep a list in my head of things both my children need help on. Things that they both can work on together as well as the ones that need more one on one attention. If you can keep the list mentally, fine. If not, there’s no harm writing it down.

3. “Count your blessings. Name them one by one.” I’m not sure how many of you have grown up in a church. I did off and on through my life. But the song quoted here is so true. Be thankful and celebrate that your child is succeeding in what (s)he’s doing.

(BTW, Congratulations my dear, S. You have made me one proud mommy.)