Self Worth and Appearance
So the saying goes that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And we all have heard over and over how people shouldn’t be defined with the way they look. Today the reality of my looks were pushed into my face, and smeared, and broke me at least for a little bit.
Anyone that has ever met me knows I have a skin condition. In general, people don’t talk about it or ask me about it, but it’s obvious. I usually don’t care. It’s been a part of my face for the past 20 years. I do know, because I’ve asked, that many face blind autistic people recognize me because of my complexion even.
So what happened today? Well, my skin condition is rosacea.and my particular brand of rosacea means I also get ocular rosacea. It’s flaring up right now, but instead of the eye doctor I saw focusing on that, she went on and on about my skin.
She went so far as to compare it to the moon and its craters. She went as far as to say I should find out the price for an elective cosmetic procedure. All because she felt that I was too young to have bad skin. To be clear the things she recommended did not directly relate to why I went in. And even the things that can be done will not change the ocular portion with the exception of the one medication I already started taking.
So why bring this up? On an autistic blog? Well, the reasons why I don’t treat the skin condition are related to my being autistic. Because it’s a lot of work. It requires more day to day EF than I can give up for something that isn’t going to impact my ability to live.
What’s worse? I couldn’t even give her a piece of my mind because I didn’t expect this kind of reaction. The situation didn’t hit me until after I’d paid… after I’d made a new appointment… after I’d left the office. No. It hit me walking down the stairs to get to the building lobby. So I had to rush into my car to sit and cry before I could even leave to drive home.
And what’s worse is that these kinds of interactions shouldn’t even be. My self worth isn’t tied to my outward beauty. I am worthy because I’m a human being. And to make a big deal about my face, well, I guess it shows where her opinions lie.