Anticipation… or Not?
Two pieces of information you need to know before reading this post:
- I am moving to Maryland to take a full-time job at the ASAN DC office.
- I have created a Facebook Group for other Autistic parents. (If you want in, send me an invite. You MUST be on the Spectrum and you MUST have children or be pregnant/have a pregnant S.O.)
I have been reading a lot of posts from other Autistic parents and feel right at home talking with all of them. It’s amazing. A lot of other people have felt these same feelings and expressed them in the group. It has given me a slightly new take on what all I can and should be posting on this blog. That is where this post is coming from.
So as I said, I am moving to Maryland… in 2 days time… for a full-time job with ASAN. The apartment is nearly empty. We have already had our one mishap happen (our uBox cube at Uhaul was broken into. Insurance is covering it. We didn’t lose anything that’s not replaceable that we’re aware of yet). We have a crap-ton of clothes, two cars, kids and other misc things that we are driving from Texas to Maryland with… In TWO (2) days.
Stephen is anticipating it, and is excited. Daniel is anticipating it, and is apprehensive. James is anticipating it, and is slightly worried (still some to pack, some stuff to give away). I am …not anticipating it. It feels like nothing is about to change in a few days.
I was apprehensive and anxious about it last week and the week before that. I was excited about it two-three weeks ago. But right now? I feel like NOTHING is changing. I am unable to resolve this lack of emotion about the impending change. A good change! A great change! We are out of Fail School! We are going to be among the Autistic crowd! I am going to have an office.. with a window.. unlike that A$ lady… (inside joke for Lydia) I get to get up in the morning and GO MAKE A DIFFERENCE! How many people get to say that? (Lots, I know. In different fashions.)
And as I type all of this that I *know* I’m supposed to be excited about. And I’m typing in enthusiastic tone, I am not excited. I’m not anxious. I am just typing the way I know I have. My feelings are numb.
I feel this way when something is about to happen. I have with the past sets of plane trips I’ve had. I used to get that way in high school as well. I have all these feelings, then suddenly, nothing. Afterwards, I will have whatever the resolving feelings are. But I had hoped this time it would be different. It’s an amazing life ahead of me, some of which is full of mystery. And I’m feeling nothingness.
I wanted to share this as an autistic, a parent, a person. Because these sorts of things matter just as much to my parenting as how I choose to raise my kids. And perhaps this is a survival skill to not let my body overload that I’ve grown to have. But it definitely is something I think that makes me quite different than a lot of people.