Understanding Grief
I’m thinking about this because of a discussion that started on a listserv I’m a member. What does it mean to grieve? Should we not grieve because it’s illogical?
I have 3 instances in my life that I have grieved. I’m going to explore each one in this post. All were illogical as there was nothing I could do about it.
My first big grief was when I initially found out I was pregnant with my now 5 yr old son. My boyfriend had just broken up with me. I was being evicted from my apartment. How could I possibly raise a child? I was fearful that I’d have to give him up for adoption. Obviously now, I know that my family and friends supported my choice in keeping him. Should I have had those feelings? Probably not, but that does little to help someone in that situation.
My next big grief was when my now 4 yr old was diagnosed with Autism. My older son had suffered so much from his Autism. He couldn’t talk at that point. He constantly had meltdowns. Our house was a constant wreck from the tornado of rage my son felt. I was fearful that it would be the same for my little boy. It hasn’t been at all. In fact, we still get constant comments of how happy and cheerful he is, that they both are. We moved past the grief to actually doing all we could to help our children. But it doesn’t change those fears, the grief.
My last and biggest grief was when my father died. He would be 50 this year, so was 47 at the time. He had a heart attack. At the time, we were estranged from my parents because of his alcoholism. I was filled with anger and fear. I was angry that he couldn’t stop drinking. If he had, would he still be here? If he had gone to a doctor, would he still be here? And biggest, why didn’t I forgive him? These are all unresolved fears and so I still grieve over the death of my father.
It seems to me, that if you can come to grips with what has happened, you can move past the grief. You will be able to help yourself and the matter at hand. The grief will all but disappear. But for those initial instants, the grief is very real and comes from a fear of the unknown ahead.
Thank you melody. I’m sorry that the list is being so crazy right now- it’s just that it is hard for some people to separate out Grief from the consequences of unhealthy grief. And sometimes grief is harder because of prejudice- leading for some to unhealthy grief which then continues a prejudicial cycle, and for others who have familial supports it can create a situation where a parent both fights for- and eventually teaches their child to fight for- an end of prejudice.
I think that sometimes people lose sight of the fact that society often feeds unhealthy behaviors surrounding disability.
I’m copying a part of my email post below.
“I agree that Grief is natural for a parent. A parent has to grieve not their child, but their expectations of what could have been. It seems like one of the most active pastimes my pregnant friends have is imagining what the child they are carrying will be like.
All parents must grieve Their disappointments- be the child “typical” who turns out different than expected (maybe lower educational or career achievement, bad relationships, unexpected preferences, religious differences etc), or disabled in some way.
The problem, I think, is when the parent allows their grief to take over their entire view of their child. And when a child is disabled instead of just “a disappointment”, it isn’t just accepted in western society- It is expected! Instead of supports to help a parent through grief, there are societal reinforcements to CONTINUE grieving, even when it is no longer healthy or serving the purpose of grief.
There needs to be better emotional supports for parents who are learning their child has any disability, period. Some might not need to be as intensive- perhaps a certain disability or illness runs in the family or community- but for others, especially those for whom active acceptance will mean needing life long assistance with life skills, those supports will need to be strong. Because the sooner those supports are in place, the sooner the constructive end of the grieving process can occur.
I worked with a parent support organization for a long time that was primarily for MH families, but also- and with increasing frequency- DD families. This type of support was the number one thing that was repeatedly and consistently needed in order to help the ENTIRE family, but was harder to find than any other aspect of family care. There were families that were torn apart not because of the realities of a child’s disability, but by the emotional consequence of not having a healthy support system for parents to deal with the stresses they were facing and expectations they were having to adjust. The families that did have a healthy support structure discussed their grieving times and moving on to becoming amazingly positive and fierce advocates for at the very least their own children. ”
I hope I’m not stepping on parent toes as a non-parent here. I’m just a “lowly” auntie with a good relationship with both my own mother and my grandmother.