I was a seven-time grandmother, and my father a great grandfather several times over before we got our respective diagnoses. What a revelation to be able to deconstruct our turbulent backgrounds in the light of neurological differences! I can finally appreciate the many very wonderful things my very Aspie dad brought to my life, and forgive him for all his frustrations and setbacks and temper tantrums when the six of us behaved as children sometimes do. Now I see my NT mother as nearly a saint do a fabulous job raising 5 Aspie kids and only one NT (who eventually became her best friend for life). Every one of my siblings is a productive, effective member of society, and is raising or has raised nothing but productive responsible children. While there is no proof, and this is clearly subjective, it would appear to this writer that the NT parents and in-laws in my family are the ones whose parenting styles, values and influences seem to have resulted in a couple of kids getting involved in a wee bit of “trouble,” but nothing too serious.

Personally, while my professional life has its hazards and ups and downs, and my family life has been anything but smooth sailing (being on my third marriage), I can say nothing but great things about how my five children, including the three Aspies, have turned out. My eldest is a near-Aspie, competent professional, good provider, stable husband and appears to be the best father anyone could ask for. My Aspie daughter is a highly nurturing, intensely interested at-home mother of her three youngsters. They have been good workers, responsible team-members, and have coped with their differences in their own unique ways. The three who are married appear to have very strong marriages, each still married to their first spouse. My most affected child will be quite late to launch, as was one of my brothers, but I have no doubt that he will eventually have all the tools he needs to have to make it on his own, and even with a family of his own some day.

I believe that my parenting through the 1970’s, 1980’s and 1990’s was highly Aspie, quite unconventional, but highly effective. I stressed independence, skills, self-confidence and intellectual growth rather than empathy and connection. This seems to have worked well enough, although doing it over again with what I know now (have a minor daughter and stepson still at home) I am able to consciously add in the balance that was missing in the past. Some parts I simply did not have enough awareness of, and other parts I knew were expected, but I was a rebellious young soul and had no respect for social conventions, even as a mother.

So I taught them to question everything. How amazing is that, that every one of them are now all quite conventional in regards to things like education, church participation, and political persuasion? All they had to do was rebel against Mom!

Kari